After deciding where I wanted my solo work to be performed, today I explored the space and set up the flats in order to block off the area I desired (With a little help from the boys for manual lifting!) I was influenced by a performance by Gina Radford who performed in the space last year. The image of her in the space was very powerful and one I hope to achieve through my performance. Physically standing in the space was both exciting and daunting. It created the sense of privacy I needed to explore my ‘private’ self, whilst open enough to look out in the ‘public’ self. It also made me feel quite vulnerable as I was encased into a tight performance space, trapped from any contact with the outside.

The performance space: 14/03/14

 Being in the space really helped to visualise the performance and inspired many ideas for the visual and aural aspects of performance. Looking out into the ‘public’ space in which my audience will sit, I thought it might be interesting to decorate that space with all the things associated with the happy, excited and sometimes childish side of my personality. The space could be covered with fairy lights, flowers, cuddly toys and Disney inspired decorations. This comforting and positive space would then provide contrast with the world within my private self and indeed the space in which I will perform. To provide a sense of progression, ‘public’ objects such as fairy lights and toys may gradually be added to the space as if through the reveal of the private self, the public self can seep through the barrier and allow the two to merge. This is a true reflection of me and my progress through the battle with depression; hiding and covering the truth from others only feeds my insecurities and often talking about it helps me feel more confident and more myself.

Isolating myself from others in the group also helped to create more text for my performance. Some of the spoken texts are poems which I have found that I can relate to and will work well for the performance. Others are texts which I have wrote myself, on the idea of the public and private self and my own thoughts when alone and able to be free with my real emotions and feelings. The following is something I wrote in the space which may end up being part of the spoken dialogue:

I often feel like I’m just existing

I crawl into a ball, numb from life,

From disappoints, betrayals and the loneliness inside my head.

It’s the hardest challenge to act as if you are living,

Living in every second and gaining fulfilment from life,

When in fact you just exist,

With a fake smile covered in lipstick

 I am still undecided as to how much speech will be live and how much will be recorded; however I’m sure that will become clear as the devising process continues.