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Performance as therapy

May25

At the end of January I had a meeting with my tutor Kelly about whether of not I was right in taking solo performance. My depression at that point was very severe and I lacked all self confidence. Luckily Kelly persuaded me to stick at it and go with my gut instinct and I’m so glad I did. The journey from idea to performance has been filled with highs and lows and with my illness a constant battle, I often struggled to do my work. I would often feel so low I couldn’t face leaving my bed never mind doing my work. But I soon realised the days of struggle influenced my performance hugely. On such days, I would write down how I was feeling in whatever way I could and come back to them on days when I could be positive and productive. These days influenced pieces of dialogue in my performance such as this:

Everyone has battles in life. We all must face demons which arrive in varying forms. Other people, challenges we must overcome; but when the demons are in your own head there is nowhere to escape. You carry them around every second of the day, eating away at your own thoughts, gaining control over your own soul. Until one day, you are overcome. You succumb to its words and the nightmares it plays to you over and over again. It is the scariest thing to lose yourself in your own mind whilst to the rest of the world you must smile. You must put on another face. To keep up the person that everyone saw you as even though in reality, she was lost. 

The act of writing down my thoughts and feelings in many ways was rather therapeutic for me, particularly the conclusion of my performance where I discuss the power I have begun to gain in my determination to move forward.

Now I have shared my world, my black and white. I am no longer ashamed of the darkness that infects my life. It is a weakness and an illness which will be overcome. There is so much that gives me purpose and happiness. Life is beautiful and so is each and every one of us, flaws and all.

Because of this, I feel a real connection to Spading Gray and the performances he created from the hardships in his life. Although my performance differed in the style of delivery and aesthetic, we both gained something very positive from expressing our usually private world to an audience in the form of performance. I concur with Auslander’s statement, “Gray does not perform because he feels better – he feels better because he performs” (2005, p.173). I too felt a sense of achievement and a positive progression in myself from both the creative process and the final performance. Despite a few technical hiccups I am very proud of my performance and the most important thing for me was that my audience enjoyed my performance. Their positive and encouraging comments topped off what has been a great experience. The final act of both me and the audience decorating my window was very meaningful for me; seeing my friends and family adding to the window and allowing both our hands to meet on either side of the glass. An emotional end.photo (4)

(The decoration of the window, 20/5/2014)

Works Cited

Auslander, P (2005) Performance as Therapy: Spalding Gray’s Autopathographic Monolgues. In: Carrie Sandahl and Philip Auslander (eds.) Bodies in Commotion: Disability and Performance. USA: The University of Michigan Press 163-174

Inspiration

May3

This morning I stumbled upon a quote which perfectly sums up my thoughts and feelings which drove the idea for my solo performance. I am unsure as to who wrote the quote, but am considering using it in my piece as it perfectly describes my own personal struggle between my public and private self and is also something I believe many others would relate with as well.

 

everyone-sees-who-i-appear-to-be-but-only-a-few-know-the-real-me-you-can-only-see-what-i-choose-to-show-theres-so-much-behind-this-smile-you-dont-even-know (Wisdom Team, 2012)

Works Cited

Wisdom Team (2012) A Lifetime of Wisdom [online] Available from http://alifetimeofwisdom.com/self-respect/you-dont-really-know-me/ [Accessed 25 May 2014].

‘I’m only Human’

Apr17

Even previous to the discovery of Laurie Anderson and her work intertwining song with multimedia and speech, music and singing was always something which inspired me and therefore an element I wanted present in my performance. Songs for me are the most beautiful and direct way of creating emotion and feeling and so felt would work well with the themes I wanted to explore. The music of Christina Perri has been a great influence to my work, with many of her songs creating part of the performance. At the moment I am toying with different idea’s for a title for my piece and the main thought is ‘Human’ after 0ne of her sounds with particular prevalence for my work. I will not be performing the entirety of her songs; instead I shall use snippets and experiement with the way in which they will be sung and whether they will be live or pre-recorded. Here is a link to one of her songs, Human:

 

The lyrics from this which I will be singing a cappella are:

 

But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human

 

These words beautifully complement my performance in which I try to explore the notion of public/private self and the perfection many of us crave; we are all human and will therefore make mistakes and will undoubtedly go through periods of lows and difficulties. Her songs explore the emotions we go through as human beings as she transforms her life struggles into the beauty of music, just as Spalding Gray transforms his struggles into performance. Other songs I will sing include,’ I believe’ and ‘The Lonely’.

 

Works Cited

 

AZ Lyrics (2014) [online] Available from http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/christinaperri/human.htm [accessed 17 April 2014]

Youtube (2014) [online] Available from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5yaoMjaAmE [accessed 17 April 2014]

Decoration of the Public Self

Apr17

For my performance, I intend there to be a vast difference in the presentation of the public self outside Studio 1 and the private self inside the performance space. To create the juxtaposing atmosphere between the two selves I have been looking into different ways to decorate the public space. Today I went to Dunelm Mills to explore the possibilities of fabrics for the curtains which I will use at the start of the performance. I was drawn to the artist Pierre et Gilles whose extravagant art is the inspiration behind the kind of design I want for my screen.

pierre

 

The extravagant  flowers and butterflies in this image reflect the kind of design which would be perfect for a screen. I want a design which is beautiful and encompassing of the happy, bubbly personality of my public self. I struggled to find something of the same extravagance, however found some prints which could work. The following fabrics include flower and strawberry designs.

photo 1 photo 2

 

 

photo 3

 (Fabrics, taken by myself. 17/04/2014)

 

Next I will need to research more designs and measure the space to see how much material I need. To further decorate the space I will add brightly coloured throws and cushions for the audience to sit on, fresh flowers and flower petals, fairy lights and personal soft toys which will give the space a cosy yet positive vibe.

 

 

Works Cited

[online] Available from: http://www.pinterest.com/chewie101/alice-in-wonderland/ [accessed 17/04/2014]

The tulips are too red

Mar15

Through discussions in class, I was introduced to the American poet Sylvia Plath whose work famously talks of her depression and attempted suicide. She turned the tragedy of her pain into beauty through the words of her work. Her work is a real inspiration for me when trying to create my own poems which will be spoken in my performance. Here is an extract from one of her poems, Tulips.

The tulips are too red in the first place, they hurt me.
Even through the gift paper I could hear them breathe
Lightly, through their white swaddlings, like an awful baby.
Their redness talks to my wound, it corresponds.
They are subtle : they seem to float, though they weigh me down,
Upsetting me with their sudden tongues and their color,
A dozen red lead sinkers round my neck.

 

Nobody watched me before, now I am watched.
The tulips turn to me, and the window behind me
Where once a day the light slowly widens and slowly thins,
And I see myself, flat, ridiculous, a cut-paper shadow
Between the eye of the sun and the eyes of the tulips,
And I have no face, I have wanted to efface myself.
The vivid tulips eat my oxygen.

 

Before they came the air was calm enough,
Coming and going, breath by breath, without any fuss.
Then the tulips filled it up like a loud noise.
Now the air snags and eddies round them the way a river
Snags and eddies round a sunken rust-red engine.
They concentrate my attention, that was happy
Playing and resting without committing itself.

 

The walls, also, seem to be warming themselves.
The tulips should be behind bars like dangerous animals;
They are opening like the mouth of some great African cat,
And I am aware of my heart: it opens and closes
Its bowl of red blooms out of sheer love of me.
The water I taste is warm and salt, like the sea,
And comes from a country far away as health.
(Poetry Foundation, 2014)

 

I have also read extracts from her novel, The Bell Jar, and a particular section jumped out at me. The words beautifully explained how I often feel when overtaken by depression and I knew I would have to include them into my performance.

I guess I should have been excited the way most of the other girls were, but I couldn’t get myself to react. I felt very still and very empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo.  (Plath, 2003, p.4)

 

Works Cited
Plath, Sylvia (2004) The Bell Jar. England: Harper Large Print.
Poetry Foundation (2014) [online] Chicago: Available from http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/178974 [Accessed 15 March 2014].