Performance as therapy

May25

At the end of January I had a meeting with my tutor Kelly about whether of not I was right in taking solo performance. My depression at that point was very severe and I lacked all self confidence. Luckily Kelly persuaded me to stick at it and go with my gut instinct and I’m so glad I did. The journey from idea to performance has been filled with highs and lows and with my illness a constant battle, I often struggled to do my work. I would often feel so low I couldn’t face leaving my bed never mind doing my work. But I soon realised the days of struggle influenced my performance hugely. On such days, I would write down how I was feeling in whatever way I could and come back to them on days when I could be positive and productive. These days influenced pieces of dialogue in my performance such as this:

Everyone has battles in life. We all must face demons which arrive in varying forms. Other people, challenges we must overcome; but when the demons are in your own head there is nowhere to escape. You carry them around every second of the day, eating away at your own thoughts, gaining control over your own soul. Until one day, you are overcome. You succumb to its words and the nightmares it plays to you over and over again. It is the scariest thing to lose yourself in your own mind whilst to the rest of the world you must smile. You must put on another face. To keep up the person that everyone saw you as even though in reality, she was lost.

The act of writing down my thoughts and feelings in many ways was rather therapeutic for me, particularly the conclusion of my performance where I discuss the power I have begun to gain in my determination to move forward.

Now I have shared my world, my black and white. I am no longer ashamed of the darkness that infects my life. It is a weakness and an illness which will be overcome. There is so much that gives me purpose and happiness. Life is beautiful and so is each and every one of us, flaws and all.

Because of this, I feel a real connection to Spading Gray and the performances he created from the hardships in his life. Although my performance differed in the style of delivery and aesthetic, we both gained something very positive from expressing our usually private world to an audience in the form of performance. I concur with Auslander’s statement, “Gray does not perform because he feels better – he feels better because he performs” (2005, p.173). I too felt a sense of achievement and a positive progression in myself from both the creative process and the final performance. Despite a few technical hiccups I am very proud of my performance and the most important thing for me was that my audience enjoyed my performance. Their positive and encouraging comments topped off what has been a great experience. The final act of both me and the audience decorating my window was very meaningful for me; seeing my friends and family adding to the window and allowing both our hands to meet on either side of the glass. An emotional end.

(The decoration of the window, 20/5/2014)

Works Cited

Auslander, P (2005) Performance as Therapy: Spalding Gray’s Autopathographic Monolgues. In: Carrie Sandahl and Philip Auslander (eds.) Bodies in Commotion: Disability and Performance. USA: The University of Michigan Press 163-174

The final curtain…and technical meltdown

May22

The journey to the final performance was long and full of ups and downs; with idea’s springing from the most unexpected of places and unfortunate lulls which brought progress to a prolonged halt. But despite all the challenges, performance day arrived and the prospect of a six hour get in before my performance at 9pm. There was lots to prepare; technically my performance was overwhelming. I had a moving curtain, complicated projections, sounds, lighting and many props to set out. It was a huge challenge for me and my tech team and despite the long tech time, I was constantly worrying whether or not it would all be completed.

I didn’t have too many different lights, with the majority being rapid changes between bright colours and dull lighting to represent the changes between private and public self. The more complicated lighting came with the staggered slit lighting which created an eerie effect.

Through the use of black tabs, not only was my space blacked out but it allowed tiny spaces for these lights to be focused, meaning a slim beam of light could pass through. When I passed through these beams it created an interesting effect with shadowing on my face and then allowed me to disappear into the darkness. The colours I used in the space were fushia, purple and yellow creating a sweet, girly and happy atmosphere which contrasted greatly with the harsh and dim lighting of the rest of the piece. Another really important factor in my piece was the audience. I wanted the area in which they were to sit to be cosy, comforting and an accurate replica of my public self. The floor was covered with colourful throws and sparkly cushions. Rose petals, flowers and fairy lights covered the remaining floor space. I also played songs which reflected my taste in music, (Disney songs featured heavily) for my audience to listen to while they got settled into the space.

(The performance, 20/5/2014)

The most stressful part of the lead up to the performance was the amalgamation of all the technical aspects into one cue sheet. I had wanted to have a run through with all the lights and projections to ensure everything was perfect before the performance. However with the techies taking longer than anticipated to program all the cues, problems which I had wanted to sort earlier in the day were left till the last minute meaning there was no time for a run through. Projections didn’t work as I had hoped and some video’s had to be cut moments before the show as they did not work being back projected. The words were backwards and I wasn’t prepared to let my audience attempt to read the backwards facing words. This all meant that the performance started later than planned. My stress levels were rising as I attempted to focus and go through my lines whilst the technical aspects were being changed and edited. Eventually it was time to step out and put on my performance face; smiling and talking to all my audience whilst attempting to hide the panic from moments before. To add more complications, one of the headphones which the audience needed in order to hear my performance stopped working. However after some help and headphone sharing the performance could begin. This was the first time I had been able to do a full run with all the technical aspects and the nerves were overwhelmingly high, but as I started my first speech I knew that no matter what I just had to keep focused and do my job while the tech crew did theirs.

Overall the show was a success, we managed to go from start to finish without any major faults and any which did occur were not noticeable by the audience. The only major flaw was a missing projection; after walking backwards through the slit lighting I was supposed to go and stand in front of a projection of myself, allowing myself and the projected self to become one symbolising the feeling of becoming overcome. However the projection did not appear, I waited a few seconds to see if the projection would start but the moment never came. Although disappointed I stood where the projection should have been and carried on with the performance. Although not the effect I had hoped for, the act of me standing where the projection should have been was in a way rather symbolic of physically and mentally becoming the darker part of myself and no longer being the person I longed to be. My solo performance was over and despite the technical hiccups I couldn’t be prouder of how far I have come and the end product of all my hard work.

Tech Day

May18

When I first started pulling together idea’s for my solo performance, never did I envisage such a wide use of technology. For a technical novice such as myself, tech day was therefore quite daunting as I worried whether the images I had in my head would be possible in practice and how they would become reality. Luckily with my wonderful tech team I felt in safe hands and was allowed to experiment with different lighting states in order to find the effect I desired.

The first challenged was the task of creating a pair of moving curtains for the start of my performance. For the start of my performance I will be stood in front of the curtains with the studio hidden behind. The curtains had to be able to open as if by themselves so the tech team devised a pully system attached to a scaffolding which can be operated at the side. There were initial issues with too much friction but through experimentation, the curtains were able to be both opened and closed through a one sided pully. The bright floral print works well and compliments the area in which the audience will be sitting, allowing a flow between the outside and inside of the studio.

photo 2 (1)

(Tech day, 17/5/2014)

Lighting is also a huge factor in my piece as it signifies the change in mood and reflects whether that moment is dominated by the public or private self. For my public self, the lights are bright and colorful with mixtures of pink and yellow flooding the acting space to create a positive and happy atmosphere. This will contrast with the dull, harsh lighting of the private self. At the climatic part of the performance I will walk backwards through slots of harsh, blue light feeding through gaps in the tabs. This effect proved to be successful in creating the dark, eerie atmosphere I am aiming for at this point of the performance. All the while the projection of myself will be played and through video experiments, I will be able to interact with the projection through song, harmonies and physical movements.

Projection experiments

May6

Today was an important day in the development of my performance. From early discussions, I knew I wanted to use a projection of myself, however felt apprehensive as to whether it would work. From trials in the studio we experimented with different places and ways of projecting my image. We first projected straight onto the glass window which worked well, however would limit my performance space as the image was fixed to the glass, minimizing the ways in which I could interact with it. We then moved the image onto a white sheet which could be hung from the grid.

(Taken by myself, 06.05.14)

The final effect would of course be more complete with the cloth stretched and hung from above and the projection scaled to size. This would allow me to interact with the projection much more freely. Now I know the projection works, I can finalize my script and film the finished projection.

Inspiration

May3

This morning I stumbled upon a quote which perfectly sums up my thoughts and feelings which drove the idea for my solo performance. I am unsure as to who wrote the quote, but am considering using it in my piece as it perfectly describes my own personal struggle between my public and private self and is also something I believe many others would relate with as well.

(Wisdom Team, 2012)

Works Cited

Wisdom Team (2012) A Lifetime of Wisdom [online] Available from http://alifetimeofwisdom.com/self-respect/you-dont-really-know-me/ [Accessed 25 May 2014].